Self-Worth and Mental Health

Hey friends,

There’s a mental health epidemic going on in the world today: So many of us don’t feel good about being ourselves on a day to day basis.

At the root of it is self-worth. Self-worth, or self-esteem, is the value you place on yourself as a person.

I’m no expert, but from my experience, I’ve found that the cause of much of the anxiety and fear is due to conditional self-worth. That means basing your value as a person on things outside yourself, like money, grades and followers.

I’ve experienced the harms of conditional self-worth first hand, with my time in elite academic environments being a good teaching example. In school, I was fortunate to perform well academically, starting at a young age. As one of my friends comedically put it, I “ranked first since they started counting”. That earned me the label of the “smart kid”. 

While working to reinforce the identity of “being smart” had benefits in the short term, like earning prizes, scholarships and acceptances to prestigious universities, in the long term it made me base my self worth on my academic performance. The result was that I determined my value as a person on external outcomes rather than internal values. This led to living in states of fear and anxiety, constantly wondering if I was doing enough to prove to the outside world that I was, indeed, “smart” enough.

Now I wish I could end this letter by saying, “Well that was then, but now I’m totally healed and have unconditional self-worth and love myself all the time.” The truth is that it’s still a problem I’m solving. It’s a constant battle for me, as I’m sure it is for many of you reading this. As a technology professional, I fall into the trap of basing my worth on the company I work for, the role I’m in and the salary I make. As a creator, too often I judge my worth by my subscriber numbers, Twitter followers and website visitors.

Basing your self-worth on external things leads to misery. Part of the reason is that external things never last. They change, they fade, they’re subject to the whims of markets and nature. One day you could be worth a billion dollars and the next day 0. Another part of the reason is that no amount of external validation will ever fill the hole of believing that you’re worthy as a person, simply because you’re you. You’ll always want more and more confirmation because you rely on the world to tell you who you are. 

An antidote to conditional self-worth is understanding the root of the problem: Why do you feel that you’re worthy only because you possess or have done certain things? The answer will be different for everyone, but asking the question is an important first step to freeing yourself and giving yourself permission to be happy during your short time on earth.

The truth is that life is too short to be unhappy, especially when the root cause is something within your control. As the blogger Delusion Damage said, “Desire is a contract you make with yourself to be unhappy until you get what you want.” 

Translating that to self-worth context, conditional self-worth is a contract you make with yourself to be unhappy about being yourself until conditions outside your control are met.

Now, who in their right mind would sign such a contract?

I don’t have solutions, just questions to ask. I hope they help you.

With gratitude and love, 

Avthar